You and my dying everyday

 What I hate the most is that you begged me to open my heart. That you were going did everything you could to break me down and you lied the entire time. I cross over from hate to indifference. Mostly I hate myself for trusting people. They lie. So then I started lying and now I don't know myself anymore.

I want to be better. 

Is it still a lie if it's true

We are both the same, unwell.

I'm sad I've never seen Wye Oak live. I wanted too, but well you know what they say about wishing. As time goes by...so does everything else.

I'm shocked at the hate and vitriol in the world. I don't want to hate. I just want to be kind. It's so hard to be a part of that society.  Yet, here we are.

I found out recently that Jennifer Grauer and Brandy Bouch both died. Jennifer from a car accident and the most I could tell with Brandy is her Kidneys and Liver failed. Unknown to me why. 

Tori is battling cancer. Robin Duncan died in her sleep. Kevin in a house fire and Paul..still don't know what killed Paul. 

Other's too...some I don't know about. 

As I get older and nearer to death I reflect simply on my family. Alexandra, Ella, Nolan and Bubba. This is what matters. As I struggle on...for what feels like no reason. 

Suicidal thoughts and melancholy. What am I missing? What makes me feel this way?

I'll see someday...

The Wye Oak albums Civilian and The Knot are so amazing. I don't think they'll be matched.

Its only time and a face that you lose

When is the end the end?
Was there ever really a beginning when it's doomed to fail?

I mean, we may as well be strangers.

Why did so many not work out?

Is what is there ever real?

I can't figure out truth. This is just purgatory.  I think.

Can you choose to feel or do you just exist upon that plain while someone else may just look at you and feel nothing?  Is that usually how it goes?

I was a desert
hills and dunes and sand
I was deserted
I was a dead man

They were full of life
drink and club and drugs
They were inert
They were dying inside

I was wandering this life
surrounded on the inside
by buildings and concrete and walls
the only resident around
And you were walking the same way
when you came close
I could feel your power
the heat from your life
the smell of your hair
and I wanted to touch your hand
but you wanted to be
alone but with someone
I needed your strength
I wanted you at length
but I wanted to be alone
with you
and you were walking the same way away
I was surrounded on the inside
and I was alone
in this life
looking into the sun
a shadow
blinking away the tears
you came nearer
and I needed to be strong
I wanted you all along
to be you
for all of us to belong
and I was alone
in this life
with someone alone
and we were
no one is ever together for long

If you live a dream why not a better one?

It's only the plains, sideways rain

Things have changed.  People have changed. I'm happily married, but I'm still me.

I'm being put under and listening. I'm hoping she's changing me. I only feel a little different, but I have hope.  new hope..

I worry about my two bright spots.  I want them to be happy.  To make good choices.  To be what God wants.

Got stubborn marrow in bastard bones

Love

How do you know what's missing if you've never had it?  The love of a mother or father.  Never had it.  How do I know it exists?  Was it books and movies?  Snow White?  Cinderella?  I knew.  I knew and I knew before I could read or write.  I knew.

So now I have been on this Earth over 39 years and do I know?  I have thought I've known, but in hindsight I could tell it's what I wanted, but not what I had.  I forced it.  I tried to make it real.

Then I find it and I'm so unsure. Not that I love, but if I'm loved.  Is it real?  Is it romantic?  Is it being forced?  Is it the Godly love that exists between friends or the passionate love of twin hearts?

Does it grow?  Is there a seed and then once planted does it become and oak?  Strong and unbreakable?

I'm in love.  I feel it.  Can I be loved?  Every lesson..every relationship.  Everything screams no.

"am i here?
of course i am, yes
all i need is your hand to drag me out again
it wasn't me,
i didn't dig this ditch
i was walking for weeks before i fell in
to the loneliness
oh, the loneliness
and the scream to prove to everyone that i exist"



1 John 4:16-18

16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I am afraid of love.  To love and be rebuffed.  The fear of love and love is everything.  My greatest fear. I do it anyway.  And the fall is mighty..it's a fall and I fall over and over it seems...

I want to wake up from the fall into an embrace.
To life
To love
To live

To the outside, the dead leaves lay on the lawn For they don't have trees to hang upon.

How does one reiterate that they're upset at the world without pitying his or herself?

I think if I could choose any way to die it would be to fly into the sun...I know I'd be dead far before I reached it, but it would be worth it knowing that my body will be incinerated in the very place it required so much to live for so many years and yet so few....

No one really gets to choose.  Even if you do it yourself...someone or something drove you there.

I'm obsessed with it being over..I have for so long..

But there's these two bright lights...like the sun..that keep me clinging...they keep me breathing...they make all of this worth it.  And I'll love them..

Until the sun comes..

Ghost of your voice finally rests

It's what I want....an end to thoughts.

They keep me awake.  I've become an insomniac....maybe an hour sleep a day..maybe..may be

I'll come home and raise you up to what's left

No one's coming home. 

I'm a boy left alone. Inside an empty house...inside an uneducated mind

and all I ask is why...and now I'm 38..

And I ask why...why why why why why why

over and over and over..it goes on..

how do you know someone is like this and do to them what everyone else has?  How do you destroy a person utterly?

There is seriously no love...on Earth. People think it does...but it doesn't..

it's a fleeting feeling at best...and it's never returned....maybe a moment..maybe two..

But I know that it's not and i'm not..I was taught that...at an early early age...

to breathe, to cry...to cry and cry...and die..

someday anyway..welcomed very welcome..

I will invite him in and we'll laugh at this life...this pitiful life...pity pity

at least I'll die laughing